Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
