I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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