so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
