my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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