Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
