stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
