he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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