I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
