Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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