wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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