i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Sober January is a disaster.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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