The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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