i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
