i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
