DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
