There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
