a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
