did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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