i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
