Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
