You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
