I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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