Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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