Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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