I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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