So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
