remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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