He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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