your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Randomize
