I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
