From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
