Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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