girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
