So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
