i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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