I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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