i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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