I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
