Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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