All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
