Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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