***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
