im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
