we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
