Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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