i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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