honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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