The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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