oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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