Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Success! We fucked roommates!
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
