I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
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