I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
