Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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