I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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