Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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